Sam was standing at the gates of heaven, having just died moments before. ”Why aren’t I being let in?” asked Sam upon seeing the concerned look on the angel’s face. ”Well, to tell you the truth, according to these papers, it seems like you don’t really belong here,” replied the angel. ”I’ll tell you what I can do for you though,” the merciful angel said. ”Has there ever been a time when you saved someone’s life? That should be enough to get you into here.” ”Yes!” Sam eagerly responded. ”Once I was sitting at the beach when I heard faint screams and saw a head bobbing up and down in the water. I ran as fast as I could into the waters even though I couldn’t swim, just so I could save the guy’s life. As I neared him, I felt the waters getting deeper and deeper, but I told myself to just keep on going so I could save the guy.” ”When did this happen?” asked the impressed angel. ”Oh, a just a few seconds ago”, responded Sam.
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.
Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.
Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?”
Kelly: “This is my mother.”
The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”
“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.” A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!” The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.” His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”
“Well, I think the time has finally come,” the professor sadly exclaimed. ”As you all know, I was visiting the Dean as he was on his deathbed, and as he took he his last breaths in this world, he put great effort into writing me a message onto a piece of paper. I could see how difficult just jotting down the message was for him, and then he signaled to me to come and take the paper from him. I have been waiting,” the professor said emotionally, “to share this message with all of you, the students of this University in which he took so much pride in. I will now read his words to you, which I myself have not yet read.” With that the professor unfolded the piece of paper he had been holding onto since the death of the Dean, and read in a loud clear voice for all the students to hear, ” You are standing on my oxygen wire, MOVE!”
A little girl asked her Mom, “Where do humans come from?”
Her Mom answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that’s who we all descend from.”
A few days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Her Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which people evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the people were created by God, and Dad said people evolved from monkeys?”
Her Mom answered, “Well, dear, it’s very simple: I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.”
As they were walking through the city, a couple stopped into a cheap looking restaurant to relax. As they were about to have a seat, they noticed crumbs on their chair, so they took a napkin, brushed it off, and only then, had a seat.
When it was their turn to order, the woman told the waitress that she’d like a cup of coffee. “And what would you like, sir?” she questioned the man. “I’ll have a coffee too, just make sure the cup is clean.”
A few minutes later, the waitress came out with the two coffees. “Well, here you are!” she said. “I’m sorry, remind me which one of you wanted the clean cup?”
When Tom and Charles were on their daily walk, the passed a restaurant and decided to get something to eat.
“Tom!” exclaimed Charles. “We can’t go in, Can’t you see the sign ‘NO PETS ALLOWED’.” Oh, I see it,” replied Tom. “That don’t matter.”
He pulls his sunglasses and walks up to the door, but before he could take another step, the doorman stopped him and said, “I’m sorry sir, no pets allowed in this restaurant.” “Look Mr.,” Tom replied ”I’m blind, this is my seeing-eye dog!” “Since when is a German Shepard a seeing-eye dog?” he responded. “It’s the latest kind of seeing-eye dog, how could you not know?!” Tom shouted.
Seeing Toms success, Charles tried walking in with his Poodle. Before he even said a word, the doorman stopped him, “don’t tell me that a Poodle is the latest type of seeing-eye dog!” Thinking as fast as he could, Charles quickly answered back in an upset voice.
“You mean to tell me that they gave me a Poodle?”
Being a first grade teacher can be very amusing. It’s especially entertaining to hear how they describe what’s going on in the family. For instance, when Harry told be that his mom was having a baby, he was glowing! He was so excited that he reminded me about it every day. Suddenly, one day, he didn’t mention a word about it. Out of my concern I questioned him why. “Well”, he replied, “last night my mom told me that I can feel the baby moving in her stomach, I’m afraid she must have eaten it!”