Tom and his wife Jenny were attending a class for parents to be. “Husbands, today we are going to focus on you!” announced the instructor. “I want you all to do the following activities as if you were the one pregnant. This way you will see how difficult everyday activities become for the pregnant women, and you will leave with a greater appreciation for your pregnant wives.”
“Wow! This is great! Finally you’ll have a feeling for what I’ve been going through!” Jenny excitedly said to Tom, as his stepped up for his assignment.
“Tom, I want you to pretend to cook dinner as if you were a tired out woman in her seventh month!”, ordered the instructor.
“Oh that’s simple” Tom confidently answered. “I know exactly how I would do it…
Honey!” he hollered. “Order us a pie of pizza for dinner tonight. I’m too tired to cook!”
Sammy couldn’t take it anymore. His wife Shirley had been nudging him for months to see the Doctor about his high blood pressure. He had finally made the appointment simply because he couldn’t take it any longer.
As he walked in the front door after his appointment, an anxious Shirley was there waiting for him. Bracing herself for the worst, she asked Sammy how the appointment went, as she nervously eyed the bottle of pills he had come home with.
“Everything’s fine”, Sammy happily told her. All he gave me was this bottle of tranquilizers.”
“Tranquilizers?” asked a confused Shirley. “I’ve never heard of them giving tranquilizers?!”
“Oh, they’re not for me,” Sammy triumphantly replied. “They’re for you!”
At age 80, Sam was telling his good friend Harry about a book of memory tricks that he was reading. “I’m telling you,” he exclaimed, “ever since I started reading the book, my memory has gotten better!”
“Wow!” responded an amazed Harry. “What’s the title of the book?”
“Well,” said Sam ,after hesitating for a second. “You know that jewel that’s round and white, and comes from oysters….?” Asked Sam. “What’s it called again?” “A pearl?” answered Harry.
“That’s right,” said Sam.
“Pearl!” hollered Sam, “what’s that book of memory tricks I’ve been reading called? Harry wants to see it!”
Sam was standing at the gates of heaven, having just died moments before. “Why aren’t I being let in?” asked Sam upon seeing the concerned look on the angel’s face. “Well, to tell you the truth, according to these papers, it seems like you don’t really belong here,” replied the angel. “I’ll tell you what I can do for you though,” the merciful angel said. “Has there ever been a time when you saved someone’s life? That should be enough to get you into here.” “Yes!” Sam eagerly responded. “Once I was sitting at the beach when I heard faint screams and saw a head bobbing up and down in the water. I ran as fast as I could into the waters even though I couldn’t swim, just so I could save the guy’s life. As I neared him, I felt the waters getting deeper and deeper, but I told myself to just keep on going so I could save the guy.” “When did this happen?” asked the impressed angel. “Oh, a just a few seconds ago”, responded Sam.
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.
Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.
Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?”
Kelly: “This is my mother.”
The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”
“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.” A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!” The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.” His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”
“Well, I think the time has finally come,” the professor sadly exclaimed. “As you all know, I was visiting the Dean as he was on his deathbed, and as he took he his last breaths in this world, he put great effort into writing me a message onto a piece of paper. I could see how difficult just jotting down the message was for him, and then he signaled to me to come and take the paper from him. I have been waiting,” the professor said emotionally, “to share this message with all of you, the students of this University in which he took so much pride in. I will now read his words to you, which I myself have not yet read.” With that the professor unfolded the piece of paper he had been holding onto since the death of the Dean, and read in a loud clear voice for all the students to hear, ” You are standing on my oxygen wire, MOVE!”
A little girl asked her Mom, “Where do humans come from?”
Her Mom answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that’s who we all descend from.”
A few days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Her Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which people evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the people were created by God, and Dad said people evolved from monkeys?”
Her Mom answered, “Well, dear, it’s very simple: I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.”